The following was submitted to Marty’s professor for Sociology 101*.
Hey, you there! Having trouble getting a date? Well, join the club, amigo! If you’re anything like me, you’re not the outgoing type, schmoozin’ it up and boozin’ it up at parties. Nope. You’re most likely alone in your dorm, wondering how in the world you could get a hot date dropped right into your lap.
Well get ready to lap THIS up, cause I’ve got the inside scoop on how you (yes YOU) can go from a DUD to a STUD (or dudetee to a studette, whatever belt fits your pants).With my yet-to-be proven method, you are all but assured to be up to your knees in potential coupling partners!
Step 1: Go right to the source! Find a place where people you’re attracted to hang out!
This is a no-brainer, you single complainer! Why browse the library for people who like to PARTY when you could be looking for people who like to PARTY at a PARTY? And why browse the party for people who like to LIBRARY when you could be looking for people who like to LIBRARY at the GROCERY STORE?
Once you’ve picked the field of battle, it’s time to get serious! Even if you’re jittery and nervous, change into your game face and put yourself out there. The only way you and a mate are gonna interACT with interCOURSE is if you kick your fear in the butt and DIVE RIGHT IN! But you could always just stay in your dorm and pretend to go to those places. No need to rush.
Step 2: Get a gameplan!
Some people think that walking up to someone and saying “hello” is the best way to get a date. Well, what do they know?!? They didn’t write a paper on dating!
Trust me on this one, you want to analyze every possible thing that you are gonna say. Have a very specific plan for your conversation! You can’t just mention a few interesting things, you need to have the whole thing mapped out! For example, this is a good opening line prepared for a girl I know who has an X-Men patch on her bag**:
“I couldn’t help but notice the X-Men patch on your backpack. What a coincidence. I happen to be an X-Men aficionado myself. Did you know my favorite character is Nightcrawler? Well, now you know! Why? Well, he has that cool tail, and some people think he’s a demon but I don’t think he is, and his white gloves are kind of weird, but when he’s going BAMF! BAMF! BAMF! and teleporting everywhere, how can you not think that he is cooler than Wolverine???”
Sure, that seems like I might have front loaded the talk, but you’ll notice that I let her know that I am REALLY into X-Men, that Nightcrawler is totally awesome, and that I think white gloves are weird. That is THREE facts about myself, four if you count my (correct) opinion about Wolverine.
Step 3: Closing the Deal! You opened that door, now figure out how to close it!
I’m still working on this one, but since I found an invitation to an underwear party(!!!) I am gonna check that out first. I’ve got my favorite pair of Donkey Kong boxers all set and I’m bringing some backup pairs in my backpack just in case someone I meet prefers Sonic The Hedgehog.