HEY. HI. YEAH IT’S ME, DOCTOR HORNET. I’M EVIL. RIGHT.
RIGHT. OF COURSE. THE BAD GUY. SO MUCH FUN. BEING EVIL IS FUN AND I FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT IT.
I AM USING SARCASM
OH, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY MANNER OF SPEECH? HUH? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO THE KING OF ALL EVIL, DOCTOR HORNET? WOULD YOU LIKE TO “TAKE” “IT” “OUTSIDE”, BUB??
“???”
…GOD, I’M SORRY. SORRY EVERYONE.
IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH FEW WEEKS. IT HAS. EVER SINCE MY LAST DEFEAT AT THE HANDS OF TELETHON HOST SAL STEVENS I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME… PERSONAL THINGS. FIGURING THINGS OUT. RE-EVALUATING MYSELF AS A NEFARIOUS VILLAIN. HOLING MYSELF UP IN MY UNDERGROUND HORNET’S NEST WITH ALL THE LIGHTS OUT. THE LIGHTS ARE USUALLY ALL OUT ANYWAY BUT I HAVE EVEN REMOVED THE NIGHTLIGHTS THIS TIME.
DEPRESSION. YOU COULD CALL IT THAT. THE REALIZATION THAT YOUR GOAL OF DOMINATING THE WORLD MIGHT HAVE BEEN, YOU COULD SAY, SLIGHTLY UNREALISTIC? IMPROBABLE? STUPID? YEAH. YEAH.
MAN.
SO HERE ARE SOME THINGS I AM DOING TO HELP OFFSET THIS CRUSHING, HURTING, DEEP DARK SADNESS FEELING. MAYBE THESE THINGS WILL HELP YOU, EVEN THOUGH THEY DID NOT HELP ME. PAY IT FORWARD I GUESS??
1) BUY A PET COBRA. BECOME IMMEDIATELY DEPRESSED AT THE IDEA OF CARING FOR ANOTHER CREATURE. HOW COULD YOU, WHEN YOU CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF? GIVE PET COBRA TO YOUR WIZARD SECOND IN COMMAND WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF IT. GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND CRY INTO YOUR MASK.
2) GO FOR A WALK. WALK DOWN TO THE LAKE. YOU NEVER COULD SWIM. YOUR ARMS WERE TOO STRINGY TO KEEP ABOVE THE WATER. YOU THINK ABOUT GIVING IT ANOTHER SHOT BUT YOUR MASK WOULD PROBABLY FALL OFF. RETURN TO YOUR UNDERGROUND BUNKER. TOO COLD TO CRY.
3) CALL A MEETING FOR THE HIGHEST RANKING OFFICIALS IN YOUR SMALL TOTALITARIAN NATION. ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW BEST TO GET IN SHAPE. MORE THAN ONE SUGGEST A GYM MEMBERSHIP. THIRTY PULL-UPS EVERY MORNING. YOU’RE TOO LAZY TO EVEN TRY. SEEMS LIKE A LITTLE MUCH. SHRUG AND WALK OUT OF THE BOARDROOM. HIT “FILL ROOM WITH NOXIOUS GAS” BUTTON. SIGH.
4) IF IT’S THE WINTERTIME, BUY A SUNLAMP. THIS WILL HELP SO MUCH. IF IT’S NOT THE WINTERTIME, BUY ONE ANYWAY. THERE IS NO SUNLIGHT IN THE HORNET NATION REGARDLESS OF SEASON.
5) LISTEN TO YOUR FAVORITE SONG. LISTEN TO IT AGAIN. LISTEN TO IT AGAIN. LISTEN TO IT ONE TOO MANY TIMES. HATE IT. PULL TAPE OUT OF WALKMAN AND THROW IT DOWN THE HORNET MURDERCHASM. SONG SHOULD BE “FIRE AND WATER” BY FREE
THAT’S IT. I’M DONE. DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND THAT I WON’T BE BACK, TELETHON VIEWERS!! I JUST NEED TO NAP FOR ANOTHER THREE MONTHS.
OH GOD
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